First of all, the past few weeks I've really been dealing with a lot of anxiety, fear, worry, and doubts concerning what I should be doing with my life now that I've graduated college. I've been looking for jobs and applying all over, but nothing has turned up yet. There are a couple friendships and family members that I've felt led to pray for too, and some of the situations concerning some of them were filling my mind with questions and worries. On top of all that, I was wondering what my purpose in all this was. I thought I loved God, and wanted to serve Him somehow, and I thought I was trusting Him, but these fears and anxieties kept returning.
These thoughts followed me up to Maine this past weekend as I traveled with my dad, and a few others, to help out with the New England Forest Rally race being held there. I was continually praying as we drove, and it seemed to help a little...but the thoughts kept returning stronger than before. At this time, I had started reading Kris Vallotton's book, Spirit Wars. Vallotton, the senior associate leader at Bethel Church in Redding, CA, shares his plethora of personal experiences with spiritual warfare and an extensive amount of scripture-founded insight into fighting and standing against the enemy.
The first night we were in Maine I was feeling extremely anxious, with fearful thoughts (some even irrational) flooding my mind. All the issues I mentioned before were swimming in my head. I desperately looked through my Bible for some verses to help. The Psalms offered some relief, but the thoughts kept coming. It was then that a portion of Spirit Wars caught my attention. The author brought up Paul's assessment of one the enemy's strategies: attacking with thoughts, speculations, and lofty things. (2 Cor. 10:3-5) "The enemy tries to get us to entertain and agree with these thoughts." These negative thoughts and speculations are strategically destructive in their focus. They feed on our fears and attempt to make us think the enemy is big and powerful and God is small and powerless. One of the important keys to winning these battles is to simply recognize that these thoughts are not our own and to reject ownership of them. "When we refuse to be impressed, alarmed or concerned by these thoughts, it is a sign of destruction for our opponents and of victory for us. An example of this is given by Paul in his letter to Philippi: "Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel, and not in any way terrified by your adversaries, which is to them a proof of perdition, but to you of salvation, and that from God." (Phil. 1:27-28)
So that's what I did. I renounced ownership of those thoughts, and my eyes jumped back to the passage of scripture I had just read - Psalms 27. "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?" As I continued to read the psalm, I felt like a huge burden had been lifted from me, and my mind felt peaceful, even joyful. The thoughts had been stilled, and I felt free.
As I kept reading Spirit Wars and my Bible, it became clear to me that Satan didn't like this newly found hope I had been given. The fire alarm in the building went off for no reason and everyone had to go outside. Regardless, I was so happy to feel that freedom. Once we were let inside again, I went back to reading. Still, the enemy didn't like that. Not 5 minutes later, all the power went out in ski lodge dorm (I forgot to mention that's where we were staying). Because of the lack of light, I couldn't read the book anymore, but I had my Bible on my ipod, so I continued reading Psalm 27. I noticed the author declaring praises to God, and I knew that was something I wanted to do. I grabbed my ipod and earphones and "somehow" the song "Indescribable" by Chris Tomlin started playing. I found this song incredibly appropriate considering the first thing I noticed as I took a walk outside was the incredible view of the stars. I found an old tennis court to stand in that had a good view of the stars and I stood there, praising God. It was amazing. I asked God to speak to me. As I waited and praised, I noticed that the outdoor lights surrounding the tennis court were casting a lot of light pollution, so the stars weren't as clear as I would have liked. Not two minutes hoping for a better view of the stars, the outdoor light power went out, and I could see the full extent of night sky. I was floored, and instantly overwhelmed by how awesome God is. It was then that I felt Him speak to my heart these words: "Be still and know that I am God. I made every one of these stars with my own hands, and I know them each by name. Don't you know how much more I care for you? Whom I knew before you were born? Whom I made in my own image? I love you."
Ever since that night, something changed in my heart. I desperately want to know Him more. Whatever it takes, I want to know Him and share the love He has shared with me. I'd like this blog to be a journal of sorts of this new adventure. I hope it blesses you and gives you hope of what God can do (and is doing) in your own life.
I've really been struggling with the same thing lately. Worry has been a common theme in my life for as long as I can remember. This really helped, though. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that this encouraged you! I'll pray for ya! And I really mean that. :)
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